ECONOMY ENTERS BETTY FORD CLINIC: Bernanke and Geithner Explain the Recovery

Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke, and Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, held a press conference today to talk about the recovery of the economy.

Geithner explained the reason for the press conference: "One of my greatest victories since becoming treasury secretary seems to be unappreciated by the public. Instead I keep hearing complaints about unemployment, the continuing financial crisis, even predictions of a coming collapse of the economy.... Come on, fellow citizens, you aren't helping a bit with all that negative talk!"

Bernanke took over: "I think the problem is that a lot of people don't really understand what we mean by 'recovery'. Have any of you ever had a friend who had seemed pretty normal for awhile, but suddenly his behavior gets a bit erratic. The next thing you know you have to go and bail him out. This happens three or for times... You realize something is wrong. It's time for an intervention. Some stimulation to get him to look at himself, to realize he has a problem"

Geithner continued: "Well, that is what happened with the economy... We realized it had an addiction problem, and we took action. When we first begin to talk about the economic recovery last summer, it was because the economy finally admitted to us that it had a problem. We began to make arrangements to get it into treatment."

Bernanke: "We contacted the Betty Ford clinic, but they said it would be a few months before they had any room. It was a rough time for all of us during that period. The economy kept getting into more and more trouble."

Geithner: "Finally, this past March, there was an opening in the clinic. It was tricky. After all the economy includes all the bankers, all the corporate executives, and the government itself. So that opening had to be pretty big. But now the economy is undergoing regular, in-patient treatment. So it is, indeed, in recovery."

Bernanke: "Perhaps the most important part of the economy's treatment is the 12-step program. As you can imagine, this has not been easy for the economy. First, how can something as powerful as the economy admit to being powerless? And what power could be higher?"

Geithner: "Although the state certainly intervened for the economy, it certainly can't play the part of the higher power. Not only would that make us look bad in the eyes of the voters, but, more significantly in terms of the recovery process, the state is just as dependent on the economy as the economy is on the state. It is a codependent relationship, and there is reason to believe that the state has been acting for years as an enabler of the economy."

Bernanke: "And as to God? Well, the economy has used God far too long to justify its behavior. There is no way it could think of God as a higher power. So you can see the difficulties involved in this recovery process."

Geithner: "In addition, the economy is certainly not ready to admit its wrongs and make amends. 'If I started admitting all that, I would probably have to kill myself. And if I didn't, making amends for all I've done would kill me.' The therapists at the clinic say that this seems to be the biggest stumbling point for the economy."

Bernanke: "Anyway, we hope this has clarified what we mean by recovery. The economy is undergoing treatment. Its recovery is bound to be slow and painful."

Geithner: "You have to understand, once an addict, always an addict. You can go into recovery, but you will never fully recover. Treatment will always be necessary. That is the situation of the economy."

Recessions May Actually Be Good For Your Health, Say Economists

"It's always important to look for the silver lining in every dark cloud," economist Gerald Yabber says. Yabber is the head of an economic think tank recently set up by the federal government to find just such silver linings. Now that it has become obvious to all but the most stupid and the richest (not necessarily mutually exclusive groups) that the recovery the president and his cohorts began proclaiming months ago has certainly not brought the recession to an end for most Americans (or others around the world), the administration decided to bring economic experts together to to look for a silver lining in the recession (other than the silver lining the pockets of bankers and other corporate executives thanks to government bailouts and stimulation packages). The Positive Economic Thinking (PET) Foundation, as the think tank calls itself has announced its first findings today in a report entitled "Health through Poverty".

According to the 5,798 page paper, "Recessions may be good for your health". I wasn't willing to weed through the plethora of mostly ridiculous economistic and bureaucratic lingo of this oversized pile of toilet paper, so I asked Yabber if he could highlight some of the main points. He was glad to do so. "It should be obvious", he said. "In a recession, fewer people are working, so you have fewer workplace accidents... That means better health. And since there are fewer people driving to and from work, there are fewer traffic accidents. And the lack of money for shopping further reduces the number of people on the road, and thus the number of accidents. But these are the less significant factors. More significantly, everyone around the world knows that Americans have a problem with obesity. Well, let's face it, the unemployed and the under-employed simply aren't going to have the bucks to super-size everything anymore. In the long run that will make them lose weight causing reduction in obesity in the U.S. In addition, if things get worse economically, unemployment benefits will run out for more and more people. They won't have the money to go out at all, and think what that will do for their weight... I mean, you've seen those pictures from the Great Depression, not a fat person in the lot! In addition, since those forced into poverty by the recession won't want to waste whatever money they may have on gas, they'll do a lot more walking or bicycling to get to the employment office, the day labor service, the food stamps office and the soup kitchen. And we all know the importance of exercise to good health. Some will complain that all this walking will wear out their shoes precisely when they can least afford new ones. But that can be avoided simply be going barefoot. I was just reading an article on the Internet a few days ago about how much healthier it is to run barefoot. And if the poor and unemployed would run to the soup kitchen or the day labor service, think of the benefits to their health! So you see, a recession is not such a bad thing. We could use it to defeat obesity in America and to improve the overall health of the poor and unemployed in this country. A healthy reserve labor force is always a benefit to the economy."

So there you have it, straight from Yabber's mouth: the first silver lining not in the pockets of the rich that the recession has to offer is better health for the poor and unemployed. And really, weight loss and running could be a real benefit for them. When bread riots and mass food looting begin, they'll have a better chance of getting away from the cops.