Menopause: A Patriarchal Invention?

During the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology conference in Rome last week, Iranian scientists announced they have developed a way of using a simple blood test to accurately predict when women will reach menopause. "The results ... could enable us to make a more realistic assessment of women's reproductive status many years before they reach menopause," said Ramezani Tehrani of the Shahid Beheshti University of Medical Sciences in Tehran, who led the study. "It will be important to let patients know that fertility will have declined greatly in the years preceding the final ovulation", Dagan Wells of the Nuffield Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology at Oxford University.

Today, in a vehement response, the World of the True Feminarchy (WTF) denounced the study and its findings. "The Worldwide Boys Club, what we prefer to call, 'The Patriarchy,' is merely continuing its long-standing ruse. Its real and heretofore elusive goal, is full control over women's sexuality. We know what men REALLY want, and this is certainly not just about determining how late in life Womyn can reproduce. We believe its more about fixing what THEY screwed up decades ago when they invented “MENoPAUSE”!

WTF spokesperson and Radically Elementary Feminist, Cherry Muntlee, said this new study is just the latest in a long "HIStory of men's MANipulation of Womyn's bodies for their own pleasure". When asked what evidence WTF had to support these controversial claims, Muntlee sneered, “Of course, we can never have 'definitive proof'. First, because men continue to keep so much hidden from us and second, because logICK and RATionality are MALe tools used to control us; we refuse to abide by them. Womyns Way of Knowing and Gyn/Ecology has served us so well over the eons, we are now applying these Natural sKILLs to understand the studies, drugs, and surgeries men use against us. Our findings indicate Western ScIeNtists – Grand Patriarchs all – have been intentionally altering Womyn's hormones for geneRATions in order to make us more accessible to the MALe. It's pure lust.”

When asked what "The Patriarchy" had "screwed up", Muntlee launched into a long (and barely comprehensible) explanation of the "Full-osophies" of the WTF regarding Be-ing In-Progress, Phallic Morality, and Sister Outsiders, before finally getting to the crux of the issue regarding menopause. “In the mid-19th century, men torn between the imperative to follow church rules regarding chasTITY and their own LUSTfull desire for the naked Femyle body, turned to ScIeNce for solutions. When a young lab assistant to biophysicist, Herr Doktor Himleer, discovered a way to alter Womyn's temperature, this DIChotomy seemed surMOUNTable. Young Master B. Attour found that changes in the estrogen/progesterone/testosterone balance could raise skin temperatures as much as six degrees Centigrade. This sudden and violent change caused Femyle lab rats to nearly claw away their skin trying to cool off. Thus was born the inspiration for the Patriarchal culture's so-called HOT FLASHES and the strip tease.”

Hot flashes affect the temperature of women's cheeks, forehead, upper arms, chest, abdomen, back, calves, and thighs. Each episode lasts from two to thirty minutes and can occur several times a week to many times a day. “Such a dramatic increase in temperature could not be sustained in the sort of clothing Womyn wore in 1858. Womyn simply had to take off all those layers.”

When asked about the fact that hot flashes occur primarily in women in their late 40's to mid-50's, not exactly the prime time for the typical man's desire for female nudity, Muntlee laughed. “Exactly our point! Men try and try to MANipulate Nature (don't forget that Nature IS Womyn) and every time he fails to reach his perfect goal. Over and over, he shows his ineptitude, proves the falsity of MALe superior intelliGENTS. But, he never stops trying. WTF is certain that this latest study is about fine tuning THEIR patHEtic first efforts. THEY want to make HOT FLASHES 'age appropriate'. To get the clothing off younger Womyn and back on the older ones.”

Cherry Muntlee and "hyr" WTF group have launched an all-out offensive against men's control of women's sexuality, dubbed MANipulate NO MORE. “We will put an end to all abhorrent practices of The Patriarchy. One way or the other”, declared WTF strategic director, Cass Straight.