SIX-STORY JESUS DESTROYED BY 'ACT OF GOD'

Late Monday night, in Monroe, Ohio, a 62 foot tall statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and destroyed in flames. The statue, known locally as the "touchdown Jesus" showed Jesus from the torso up with his hands raised in the air. Even though it looked to this reporter as if the fire had been a natural event, the insurance company seems to suspect vandalism. "It was an act of God," said Jonathan Rippov of State Harm Insurance.



Well, I am not the kind of reporter to leave an accusation of that sort uninvestigated, so I decided to seek out this God character, even though I knew it would be dangerous. God isn't an easy character to get a hold of, so I discovered. Contrary to what a lot of people claim, he doesn't hang around in churches, synagogues, mosques or even temples. I finally sought out one of those 1-888-Ask-god-a-question numbers. And believe it or not, I got an answer (at $2.99 a minute, I would hope so). "So, God," I said, "the insurance boys are saying that you torched that statue in Ohio." A slightly gurgly voice replied, "Yeah? What of it? The damn thing was UGLY!" "But it was your son!" I shot back. "That bastard wasn't any son of mine," the voice on the other end of the line replied with a tone of disgusted contempt. "Well, then, who exactly are you? Allah? Vishnu? Yahweh? Zeus?" "You ask too many questions." The voice no longer sounded like it was coming from the other end of the phone, and I looked up from my cell phone to see a tentacle reaching down from the clouds... You bet I ran... and jumped on the nearest bus out of Ohio.