Look for the Union Label

The United Box Workers Union (UBWU) last night reached an agreement with management at their primary manufacturing plant in San Francisco, California, to end the three month old strike that has crippled the boxing capacity of the modern world. Workers and management at satellite plants in Eugene, Oregon and New York City have agreed to abide by the terms of the new contract.

UBWU manufactures the many varieties of boxes that are used globally to place unique individuals into rigid, reliable structures that facilitate identification, categorization and control. The strike was initially declared in solidarity with the national strike called by their sister union, the Union of World Labelers (UWL), who hand-craft the labels that are placed on the boxes produced by UBWU. However, when the UWL ended their strike 23 days ago, they broke solidarity with UBWU. The reasoning for this split was articulated by a UWL spokeshuman who requested anonymity: "Our labels stand on their own. We don't need no stinkin' boxes!"

The impact of the UBWU strike is difficult to overestimate. A world-wide protest and demonstration was planned for this Wednesday, spearheaded by leaders from many of the user groups that were most affected; census workers, advertising executives, feminists, masculinists, people of color, people of palor, anarchists, queers, the differently-abled, policepersyns, vegans, leftists, rightists, anti-racists, anti-vegans, ditto-heads, Chomskyites, politicians, post-modern-post-structuralist-pro-situationist-academic-anti-state-communists, and Glenn Beck. Notably absent was the radical group American Students Studying Honorary Old Leftist Executive Strategies (ASSHOLES), who have not yet returned our calls.

Department managers for core UWL product groups were on the list of scheduled speakers, which was expected to attract crowds well into single digits. The manager for the Gender & Sexuality group, Ita Snatch, was pegged as the keynote speaker. There was much buzz surrounding the Q&A discussion panel, which included product managers Tim Robbins (Politics), Reverend Al Sharpton (Ethnicity), and Lierre Keith (Food).

The protest was called off immediately after the strike-ending agreement was announced. The 132 page statement of solidarity between UBWU and UWL was once again ratified, and the efficient process of constructing and labeling boxes was once again in place. "Knowing that there will be a sufficient supply of labeled boxes, into which individuals can once again be placed, is more than reward enough for the time and effort expended in reaching this set of agreements," said the UWL spokeshuman. "Labeled boxes are necessary for ourselves as well as others. This allows us all to get back to work, and continue our joint quest of realizing the Grand Unified Theory of Taxonomy."