Homelessness Is No More!

The US Senate today voted 99 to 1, in a record-setting session, to pass HS666, known as the Housing Reform bill. Modeled on the revolutionary Health Care Reform bill that was recently signed into law, Housing Reform will eliminate homelessness entirely, guaranteeing that every American has a home. The strategy for accomlishing this is similar to that used with Health Care Reform: the law makes it illegal to be homeless.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was literally trembling with joy in her press conference today announcing the bills passage. Ms. Speaker spoke eloquently once she regained her composure, which she said had disappeared when a smelly homeless woman approached her as she exited her limosine, asking the Congresswoman what the new law would mean for her and her three grimy children. "I will be so glad not to have to ignore so many people asking for free handouts, and it warms my heart to think that they will all be in nice, American homes as soon as President Obama signs this historic bill into law. Housing reform is my proudest achievement in Congress. But it would not have been possible without the leadership of President Obama, himself the product of a homeless childhood in the ghetto."

Liberals and conservatives alike have lauded the new legislation, which puts the homeless themselves in control of their housing situation, rather than property owners, bureaucrats or street sweepers. "Never before has such a monumental change been enacted with such striking speed and accuracy," said Senate majority leader Harry Reid. "It makes me proud to be an American, to know that this great nation will never again have a single homeless person."

Barbara Lee, Chair of the Congressional Black Caucus, was likewise oozing with praise. "I know I speak for all Black Americans when I say that this historic bill almost compensates for the forty acres and a mule we were supposed to get," she said.

Speaker Pelosi highlighted several of the lesser known features of the new bill. "For young people, for the first time in history, you are allowed to stay in your parent's home until you are 26 years old. For children, and for all Americans, we ended the days where you can be denied housing because of a lack of money, credit history or rental references. For all Americans, housing reform gives you freedom: to change jobs, open a business, pursue your dreams and be creative and entrepreneurial." Pelosi's aide and the president of the Construction Teamsters, Guido Merkin, also noted that the law will create upwards of 10 million jobs (173 of which will be available to the public at large), as the construction market will be booming in order to build all the new housing needed. This is assumedly a result of the addendum to the law which states that no currently unoccupied homes may be used to house the homeless.

A Syrian-American reporter from the Homeless Hostel-Clarion asked the most taxing question of the press conference: "What about homeless people that cannot afford to rent or purchase a home?" Pelosi's answer was appropriately stylistic yet concise: "What?" She was immediately pulled from the dais by her lover Arnold Schwarzenegger, who claimed she had to take her medical marijuana dose immediately.

When President Obama was asked the same question, his response truly displayed the communication and leadership qualities that got him elected. "Clearly, the system we have today is broken," said the President. "If you don’t have a home, there’s no limit on how much landlords can charge you, and they can decide to refuse to rent or sell to you at their whim. Housing reform changes all of that."

Food Not Bombs provided vegan food for the press conference.