It's Official: There Is No Shame In Conformity

President Barack Obama this morning signed into law HR1984, the controversial legislation that outlaws discrimination against conformists. Thousands gathered across the country to protest the new law. Most carried signs and/or wore t-shirts with the slogan: "Conformists Go Home!" The signs and shirts were all black with white print.

Mr. Obama spoke briefly with the press after signing the bill into law. "Conformity is what makes this country great," he said, looking dapper as ever in his blue suit with bright red tie. "Just look at our military, our churches, Wall-Mart Street, even hipsters. Conformity is how they got where they are, it is what sets them apart. Nobody should ever be ashamed to conform again!" The crowd cheered entusiastically in unison, followed by the chant, "We Are All the Same! Uniqueness Is A Shame!"

Protestors in Taos, New Mexico rioted all around the town plaza, smashing the windows of every car that is not a hybrid or does not have the bumper sticker "A solution comes up every day" displayed prominently.

In barely related news, Michelle Obama has declared her candidacy for president in 2012. She will run against her incumbent husband, who bidded successfully for the position in 2008, and is very likely to bid even higher the next time around. While there has been no announement yet, Ms. Obama is rumored to have selected Ms. Sarah Palin as her running mate. They will be running on a platform of Anti-Patriarchy, Anti-Racism and Economic Liberation for All Who Deserve It. The details of their platform will be posted soon on their website, hotbitchesinthesaddle.com.

LATE-BREAKING NEWS: BP Says: "It Wasn't Us"

In a late-breaking report from London, British Petroleum today issued a statement saying "We weren't the ones who spilt all that oil in the Gulf of Mexico. It was a case of mistaken identity." According to the British oil company, it took their lawyers a while to figure out what had actually happened, and that is why they haven't said anything up until now. "It said BP on the Deepwater Horizon rig, so everyone assumed it was us. We even thought so. But our lawyers finally saw through it all to what had really happened" According to the lawyers' report, parts of which were released to the press, in this case, BP actually stood for "Beaner People". "After all," the lawyers wrote, "It was in the Gulf of Mexico". Besides, there has to be some reason Mexicans are also known as 'greasers'." A British Petroleum spokesperson told us that although their lawyers have exonerated them of all guilt in the matter, they will still continue to help with the clean-up, as they have been up to now, by releasing news stories about how hard they are trying. "After all we are British," said the spokesperson, Ms. Vera White, "and everyone knows what nice people the British are."

There are still those who don't buy the lawyers' claims. When we asked a person on the streets of Mexico city what he thought of this news, he said, "Everyone here knows that the flow of bullshit gushing from BP headquarters in London is far worse than the flow of oil gushing from their exploded oil rig." (See The Onion, "Massive Flow of Bullshit Continues to Gush from BP Headquarters http://www.theonion.com/articles/massive-flow-of-bullshit-continues-to-gush-from-bp,17564/) Only the future will tell the real truth about this situation.