With the second highest murder rate in the world and an actively agitated poor population, SA is focused on every aspect of protection for the teams and fans. "We will ensure we protect all the people, from the ordinary people who will be at homes, fan parks, stadiums to the very, very important people," said Nathi Mthethwa, SA minister of police. While rumors of terror threats abounded in the weeks prior to the event, the Nadionale Joint Operational and Intelligence Structure (Nadjoints) insisted there is no known terror threat.
Special "intervention units" have been developed to deal with hooligans should they make it through airport security. Andre Priapus, deputy commissioner of the South African police, calls this his “snatch team”. The hotshot team of African beauties, colloquially known as Brown Soogah, will be strategically positioned throughout the stadium to take all troublemakers down and out. Unfortunately, this has re-sensitized an already touchy issue, the HIV epidemic in the country. Over a million government condoms have been manufactured just for the Cup, many to be delivered to participating hotels. It's two condoms per hotel room, per night, said Cape Town Tourism chief executive Marionette du-Toit-Helmbold. Popular mascot Zakumi (derived from the two-letter country code plus the number 10 - thought by many to mean inches) has been drafted into the PR campaign. He will be demonstrating the proper technique for wearing the protection, using his extra long tail as a stand in.
Perhaps the most innovative protecting relations (PR) campaign was announced only three days ago, coincidentally coinciding with the news that Denmark's star player, Nicklas Bender, is not likely to play do to a recent groin injury. Injuries such as Bender's are all too common in competitive sports, said World Sports Safety Commissioner, John Holmes. So, PIPI (Penile International Protection Institute) is holding its first World Cup Cup competition as climax to the closing festivities. This is yet another first for the former apartheid country, as South Africa hosts the worlds top athletic cup manufacturers. Two of the main sponsors are Fitzer and Bringer Indehome. Fitzer makes the popular erectile enhancement (EE) drug, Guiwagger and has spent twenty-five million dollars to date. Not to be outdone, BI, manufacturer of the so-called “pink Guiwagger”, Filhersin, has put out at least twice that. Rumors of free samples have been flatly denied by both companies.
Athletic cups experienced a growth spurt for nearly a decade, grossing over ten billion dollars a year - though other sources insist it is actually only six. But, no matter how you measure it, they have been going down as the economy continues to gyrate. So, in this is first attempt by the industry trade organization to prop up limping sales, a fashion show competition will highlight the latest and greatest in groin protection.
Models and their supporters will be parading gaily down the runway in the Johannesburg Hilton ballroom. Representing the Dutch company Ballyhigh is CEO, Rikaard Waad. North Korea, in a surprising move given the current tension between them and neighbor down below, sent L'il Kim II to model a simple, but functional unit designed by state-run apparatus, CommiWang. Its all Asia this year, with Chinese entrant Huan Hong Lo, showing off an environmentally-friendly plastic shield made from a single recycled plastic aspirin bottle. The American contender, NuttyBuds, will show off the ever-popular ToolBox in this years favorite color: Yes, We Can Green. In another unexpected move, PIPI has opened the closet door to the GLBT community, permitting British entrant, Jonna Newboy, to strut his stuff, a little silicon number dubbed TucknGo. Although women are still confined to their own World Cup meeting, France chose to exhibit a feminine version of its famous L'aine Récipient. To close out the show - and give SA yet one more first in the world of state-sponsored amusements - One World Government supporter, Moana Chompit, will appear in a Brazilian-influenced model called NoSocForem.
Will South Africa emerge as the prime contender in comprehensive state protection? Can they succeed where all others have failed? Only time will tell if they're up for it.
now i know what to do with my empty pill bottles.
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