LATE-BREAKING NEWS: BP Says: "It Wasn't Us"

In a late-breaking report from London, British Petroleum today issued a statement saying "We weren't the ones who spilt all that oil in the Gulf of Mexico. It was a case of mistaken identity." According to the British oil company, it took their lawyers a while to figure out what had actually happened, and that is why they haven't said anything up until now. "It said BP on the Deepwater Horizon rig, so everyone assumed it was us. We even thought so. But our lawyers finally saw through it all to what had really happened" According to the lawyers' report, parts of which were released to the press, in this case, BP actually stood for "Beaner People". "After all," the lawyers wrote, "It was in the Gulf of Mexico". Besides, there has to be some reason Mexicans are also known as 'greasers'." A British Petroleum spokesperson told us that although their lawyers have exonerated them of all guilt in the matter, they will still continue to help with the clean-up, as they have been up to now, by releasing news stories about how hard they are trying. "After all we are British," said the spokesperson, Ms. Vera White, "and everyone knows what nice people the British are."

There are still those who don't buy the lawyers' claims. When we asked a person on the streets of Mexico city what he thought of this news, he said, "Everyone here knows that the flow of bullshit gushing from BP headquarters in London is far worse than the flow of oil gushing from their exploded oil rig." (See The Onion, "Massive Flow of Bullshit Continues to Gush from BP Headquarters http://www.theonion.com/articles/massive-flow-of-bullshit-continues-to-gush-from-bp,17564/) Only the future will tell the real truth about this situation.