WORLD CLASS SOCCER, WORLD CLASS PROTECTION

Two of America's favorite oppressed groups kicked off the FIFA World Cup 2010 games in South Africa this week. Mexico's football team, ranked 17, beat off the 83rd ranked home team, Bafana Bafana (“the Boys”). Dubbed the world's biggest sports spectacle, hundreds of thousands of football fans are expected to be in country for the month-long event.

With the second highest murder rate in the world and an actively agitated poor population, SA is focused on every aspect of protection for the teams and fans. "We will ensure we protect all the people, from the ordinary people who will be at homes, fan parks, stadiums to the very, very important people," said Nathi Mthethwa, SA minister of police. While rumors of terror threats abounded in the weeks prior to the event, the Nadionale Joint Operational and Intelligence Structure (Nadjoints) insisted there is no known terror threat.

Special "intervention units" have been developed to deal with hooligans should they make it through airport security. Andre Priapus, deputy commissioner of the South African police, calls this his “snatch team”. The hotshot team of African beauties, colloquially known as Brown Soogah, will be strategically positioned throughout the stadium to take all troublemakers down and out. Unfortunately, this has re-sensitized an already touchy issue, the HIV epidemic in the country. Over a million government condoms have been manufactured just for the Cup, many to be delivered to participating hotels. It's two condoms per hotel room, per night, said Cape Town Tourism chief executive Marionette du-Toit-Helmbold. Popular mascot Zakumi (derived from the two-letter country code plus the number 10 - thought by many to mean inches) has been drafted into the PR campaign. He will be demonstrating the proper technique for wearing the protection, using his extra long tail as a stand in.

Perhaps the most innovative protecting relations (PR) campaign was announced only three days ago, coincidentally coinciding with the news that Denmark's star player, Nicklas Bender, is not likely to play do to a recent groin injury. Injuries such as Bender's are all too common in competitive sports, said World Sports Safety Commissioner, John Holmes. So, PIPI (Penile International Protection Institute) is holding its first World Cup Cup competition as climax to the closing festivities. This is yet another first for the former apartheid country, as South Africa hosts the worlds top athletic cup manufacturers. Two of the main sponsors are Fitzer and Bringer Indehome. Fitzer makes the popular erectile enhancement (EE) drug, Guiwagger and has spent twenty-five million dollars to date. Not to be outdone, BI, manufacturer of the so-called “pink Guiwagger”, Filhersin, has put out at least twice that. Rumors of free samples have been flatly denied by both companies.

Athletic cups experienced a growth spurt for nearly a decade, grossing over ten billion dollars a year - though other sources insist it is actually only six. But, no matter how you measure it, they have been going down as the economy continues to gyrate. So, in this is first attempt by the industry trade organization to prop up limping sales, a fashion show competition will highlight the latest and greatest in groin protection.

Models and their supporters will be parading gaily down the runway in the Johannesburg Hilton ballroom. Representing the Dutch company Ballyhigh is CEO, Rikaard Waad. North Korea, in a surprising move given the current tension between them and neighbor down below, sent L'il Kim II to model a simple, but functional unit designed by state-run apparatus, CommiWang. Its all Asia this year, with Chinese entrant Huan Hong Lo, showing off an environmentally-friendly plastic shield made from a single recycled plastic aspirin bottle. The American contender, NuttyBuds, will show off the ever-popular ToolBox in this years favorite color: Yes, We Can Green. In another unexpected move, PIPI has opened the closet door to the GLBT community, permitting British entrant, Jonna Newboy, to strut his stuff, a little silicon number dubbed TucknGo. Although women are still confined to their own World Cup meeting, France chose to exhibit a feminine version of its famous L'aine Récipient. To close out the show - and give SA yet one more first in the world of state-sponsored amusements - One World Government supporter, Moana Chompit, will appear in a Brazilian-influenced model called NoSocForem.

Will South Africa emerge as the prime contender in comprehensive state protection? Can they succeed where all others have failed? Only time will tell if they're up for it.

Recessions May Actually Be Good For Your Health, Say Economists

"It's always important to look for the silver lining in every dark cloud," economist Gerald Yabber says. Yabber is the head of an economic think tank recently set up by the federal government to find just such silver linings. Now that it has become obvious to all but the most stupid and the richest (not necessarily mutually exclusive groups) that the recovery the president and his cohorts began proclaiming months ago has certainly not brought the recession to an end for most Americans (or others around the world), the administration decided to bring economic experts together to to look for a silver lining in the recession (other than the silver lining the pockets of bankers and other corporate executives thanks to government bailouts and stimulation packages). The Positive Economic Thinking (PET) Foundation, as the think tank calls itself has announced its first findings today in a report entitled "Health through Poverty".

According to the 5,798 page paper, "Recessions may be good for your health". I wasn't willing to weed through the plethora of mostly ridiculous economistic and bureaucratic lingo of this oversized pile of toilet paper, so I asked Yabber if he could highlight some of the main points. He was glad to do so. "It should be obvious", he said. "In a recession, fewer people are working, so you have fewer workplace accidents... That means better health. And since there are fewer people driving to and from work, there are fewer traffic accidents. And the lack of money for shopping further reduces the number of people on the road, and thus the number of accidents. But these are the less significant factors. More significantly, everyone around the world knows that Americans have a problem with obesity. Well, let's face it, the unemployed and the under-employed simply aren't going to have the bucks to super-size everything anymore. In the long run that will make them lose weight causing reduction in obesity in the U.S. In addition, if things get worse economically, unemployment benefits will run out for more and more people. They won't have the money to go out at all, and think what that will do for their weight... I mean, you've seen those pictures from the Great Depression, not a fat person in the lot! In addition, since those forced into poverty by the recession won't want to waste whatever money they may have on gas, they'll do a lot more walking or bicycling to get to the employment office, the day labor service, the food stamps office and the soup kitchen. And we all know the importance of exercise to good health. Some will complain that all this walking will wear out their shoes precisely when they can least afford new ones. But that can be avoided simply be going barefoot. I was just reading an article on the Internet a few days ago about how much healthier it is to run barefoot. And if the poor and unemployed would run to the soup kitchen or the day labor service, think of the benefits to their health! So you see, a recession is not such a bad thing. We could use it to defeat obesity in America and to improve the overall health of the poor and unemployed in this country. A healthy reserve labor force is always a benefit to the economy."

So there you have it, straight from Yabber's mouth: the first silver lining not in the pockets of the rich that the recession has to offer is better health for the poor and unemployed. And really, weight loss and running could be a real benefit for them. When bread riots and mass food looting begin, they'll have a better chance of getting away from the cops.